An experience with psilocybin

1/5/2011

Psilocybin; White Mountains, NH

I do not feel uncomfortable, guilty, or conscience-stricken talking about psilocybin mushrooms despite their apparent illegality in this Western culture. It is interesting that, despite millions of years of ritualized usage (what anthropologists have asserted), the authoritarian powers that be have deemed psychoactive substances such as the mushrooms as dangerous, useless, and unfit for further research and exploration while the most destructive materials known to man can be peddled on every corner in drug stores… not to mention all the noxious chemicals used in industrial production, mainstream agriculture, synthetically/genetically modified organisms, tap water (fluoride, lead, PCBs), and the plasticized, sanitized culture we now live in. The ‘War on Drugs’ is really a biased process of discrimination between what is ‘appropriate’ or ‘accepted’ in the social web of cultural construction. To condemn substances like psilocybin while hundreds of thousands of people die every year in alcohol-related incidents is utterly insane. Most people who are intimately familiar with these plants (peyote, psilocybin, ayahuasca, iboga, etc.) don’t even refer to them as ‘drugs’, but rather as revered medicines that nourish the soul, facilitate healing, and enrich spiritual relationships. My experiences with psilocybin have left indelible marks on my understanding of who I am and what my relationship is to the universe; they have given me profound glimpses into the essence of being and living here on Planet Earth. They have shown me the doors to peace, love, compassion, understanding, and wisdom- I just needed the courage to walk through. I am not afraid to discuss psilocybin (or write about it in class assignments) because I love discussing them; I think the mushrooms contain within them an incredible sagacity and an untapped potential to change our lives through our beliefs/interpretations of reality. To be fearful of open discussion is to cross swords with my own conscience.

I arose at about 4:30am on Saturday morning, still a little groggy from 4 hours of sleep but nevertheless squirming with anticipation and excitement (as I usually am when on the cusp of engaging with the psilocybin). There are a few guidelines/routines I like to follow when I ingest the psilocybin (and the hours leading up to ingestion):

·      Wake up early and ingest before sunrise

·      Meditation night before and morning of

·      Nothing to eat night before and morning of

·      Don a special shirt (hand-made in India with intricate designs and soft, silky cotton)

·      Pack nutritious, nourishing foods to eat (usually raw vegetables) as I’m ‘coming down’

·      While ingesting, smell the mushrooms and spend some time holding them/setting my intentions/respecting the mushrooms/surrendering to the “mycelial wisdom”

·      Chewing/eating the mushrooms mindfully, feeling textures, tastes, intricacies in flavor (the taste doesn’t bother me and I feel it’s important to welcome the flavor instead of resisting)

·      Thanking the mushrooms, land base, the Earth, and anyone/thing I feel should be acknowledged

·      Spending some time breathing/meditating directly after ingestion, feeling the energy of the mushrooms pervade my body

It should be noted (if not implied by the above bullet points) that I approach a psilocybin session very seriously. It’s a time of reflection and self-examination that is more than a nihilistic plunge into an unintelligible world of chaos and disorder. The experience is a spiritual journey into the depths of my psyche and the fabric of reality (whatever that is). I go into a session with clear intentions of gaining a deeper perspective about what is happening on Planet Earth, both in individual and societal contexts.

I traveled to the White Mountains with five other friends, two of which had previously experimented with psilocybin. Three of these guys ate heavy breakfasts and smoked several cigarettes on Saturday morning, something I recommend against for several reasons. Eating before ingesting psilocybin diminishes the effects of the mushrooms and can agitate/discomfort your stomach. I think smoking tobacco (at least from purchased, toxin-filled corporate boxes of Marlboro, Camel, and all the rest) is a rather silly thing to do, let alone mixing it with the psilocybin… I try to ‘isolate’ the mushrooms (restrict ingesting other substances [including foods]) because I want to know that I am experiencing the psilocybin without contrasting physical and energetic entities in my system- especially not the poisons present in popular tobacco.

We arrived in White Mountain National Forest at about 8:00am and parked the vehicle in a camping ground lot. We disembarked and began putting on heavy layers of clothing to endure the brisk morning air; it was a beautiful day with sun pouring through towering birch trees and soaking the snow with a sparkling energy. The birch trees shot up into the sky, creating an elegant contrast between stark white bark and the gaping, bright blue heavens. We had about 10 grams of psilocybin separated into different bags with the following weights: 2g., 1.8, 1.75, 1.75, 1.63, 1.4. The group began walking along a river trail and plopped down into about 3 feet of snow to eat the mushrooms overlooking the river, which was frozen over in whiteness. I ate the 2 g., as the others were slightly nervous and wanted to ingest lesser amounts. The others hurriedly shoved the mushrooms in their mouths, trying to avoid the less than agreeable flavor, and ‘chasing’ them with TUMS tablets. The TUMS issue is another element I vehemently disagree with: it is yet another meddling mechanism that disrupts the natural process of feeling whatever it is the mushrooms give us. We began walking around the campground roads and the psilocybin began creeping up about 15 minutes after ingestion. It feels as if slow vibrations and energy frequencies are moving throughout the body at a conscious level of awareness, my muscles become loose/flexible, I develop a keen sense of my body, I feel my culturally constructed boundaries slowly beginning to dissolve… I begin smiling broadly as my previous experiences surface to the front of my mind as joyful memories. I look up at beautifully complex branches exploding up into the sky, like enormous geysers frozen in time. Colors, textures, sounds, and movements take on a different quality of being, infused with a kind of grace and sacredness that transcends rational analysis. It is so wildly confirmed that the present moment is all there ever is as I drift into a timeless state of being, sensing the pervading oneness and mutuality of all things.

I thought the others’ experiences would give them a glimpse into this realm, but several had difficulty at the onset- throwing up, feeling mentally/emotionally unstable, etc. It’s quite interesting to me that my friend, Rupert (alias), who is a staunch atheist and advocate of scientific rationality as the source of universal knowledge, had the most turbulent phase of discomfort during the first hour or so. My belief is that the psilocybin works to dismantle and deconstruct our entrenched assumptions, cultural biases, learned belief structures, etc. and return our awareness to something more indwelling, organic, instinctive, and essential… outside of cultural systems and mind-patterns (perhaps they will one day dismantle this very belief!). For this reason, especially with someone that grasps onto control/predictability/logic. It can be unnerving letting go of the resistance one has to peering through different lenses of reality. Basically, whatever you think you know about the world is churned up, tweaked, and spit out back at you in a new light (my experience). Complete openness is the crucial element when engaging with the psilocybin- resistance only yields confusion/negative energy.

We entered the forest and settled down in a small clearing; we were all beginning to feel the emerging intensity of the psilocybin. Three of us, including Rupert, smoked a few cigarettes as we began joking around and chatting, clearly very cheerful, lighthearted, and even elated (my emphasis) under the mushrooms’ effects. Another phenomenon I notice while engaging with the psilocybin is the increased frequency of laughter, which I suppose arises from the general euphoria and jubilation that often ensues. It feels extraordinary liberating to burst with uncontrollable laughter- I view it as a form of meditation and a universally healthy thing.  My energy fields under this state are pure love and positivity… any negativity is instantly disintegrated, melting away into an abyss of nothingness. I want to emphasize here, although I will be returning to the topic later, that I believe any form of consciousness can be achieved without any substances. Everything we are seeking is already within us. The mushrooms are tools to help relocate what we think we already don’t have. I have experienced a plethora of ‘sober’ phenomena in the depths of my own consciousness that closely resemble the ‘shroom state’. Most of us, our awareness biased on account of cultural patterns, assumptions, behaviors, etc., just need a reminder about where to look. In other words, the psilocybin isn’t manufacturing the experience; rather it is providing the stimulus, gently guiding us along our own determined trajectories.  

As we were sitting, we observed thick strands of ethereal sunlight cascading through clumps of pine branches, like shafts of otherworldly energy illuminating and marinating the snow crystals waiting at the bottom of tree trunks. Several members of our troupe didn’t dress properly for the conditions (3 feet of snow, 30 degree air), so they were having trouble withstanding their own numbness. I wore three pairs of pants, two pairs of socks (underneath large boots), five layers of shirts, some gigantic waterproof gloves, and a large overcoat… so I was prepared for any kind of trekking that might be involved throughout the day. To get to the banks of the frozen river, one had to carve a path into the deep snow and while most of us had a fantastic time doing this, two of the guys (including Rupert) were reluctant to “get their hands dirty”, preferring to stay by a picnic table on the main campground. Horatio, Gary (aliases) and I followed Fred’s tracks (he had meandered off while we were all sitting together) and found him lying down on some rocks on the riverbank. He had discovered a gorgeous spot. We sat down next to him, intensely enjoying what was probably the ‘peak’ of our experience. Fred said he was experiencing some strange sensations in his entire body, including visceral shockwaves/jolts of energy. In addition to having eaten a large bowl of oatmeal for breakfast earlier in the day, Fred was recovering from an illness and was continuing his antibiotic intake (he ingested one pill with breakfast), which, both in the physical and energetic sense of the systemic effects, had an impact on Fred’s experience. He felt nauseous for the first 1.5 hours and somewhat overwhelmed by the extreme sensory responses from his body. However, he remained still in the same spot by the riverbank for another 4 hours; he confirmed that the sensorial details of everything were quite remarkable and revealed that he was experiencing some vibrant hallucinatory images, both across the river as trees swayed and dipped in the wind as well as when he closed his eyes, when designs would explode onto a black canvas.

There was abundant conversation taking place at the river between Horatio, Gary, and I (Fred was mainly silent except for laughing at never-ending jokes). Usually, the only things I can muster out of my mouth are phrases along the lines of “Holy cow..” or “Wow” or “Oh man…” because I am constantly overwhelmed with the infinite beauty I am seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling. But I also enjoy discussing philosophy and other existential topics under these states, as I feel my entire being (including mental capacities) is operating through a lens of fine-tuned clarity and sharp circumspection. Many of the behaviors and cultural paradigms of modern industrial civilization are revealed to me as arbitrarily constructed games, such as money, stress, most contemporary technologies, TV, days of the week, cosmetics, cars, jobs, and time. My contention is that, under the influence of psilocybin, we operate out of more animalistic, archaic, and primal awareness- a state of being outside of culture. Language is simply fascinating within the psilocybin realm: I really become aware of how symbols/abstractions like language shape, mold, and manifest reality. For instance, something Alan Watts says in the YouTube video Money really resonated with me at one moment on Saturday… he talks about the abstraction of money (green pieces of paper) and how true value (food, trees, animals, oceans, shelter, community, etc.) is transported into this inanimate symbol of superficiality. He discusses how, during the Great Depression, there was no lack of ‘resources’ (food, water, etc.), just a lack of money (the capricious representation of what is real); he compares saying, “I can’t do [this] without money” to saying “Sorry, I can’t build this house today- no inches”. I just love this metaphor. The point is that often times we mistake our own symbolic creations/representations for the real thing, and not without profound psychological/existential implications.

We punched out holes in the thick layer of ice covering the river and peered down into ‘another world’ of ice crystals, darkness, and reddish rocks clenched together beneath the cool sounds of rushing water. Closing my eyes and listening to the water was rapturous; I’m certain I could have stayed in the same position for the entire day had there not existed so many other unique elements to interact with in the dazzling kaleidoscope of brilliance I will call the universe. As we sat we watched cross-country skiers gliding on trails across the river and massive cloud patterns floating by overhead, which separated and coalesced to form breathtaking shapes and patterns in the sky. I could really sense the depth of the formations as I gazed upwards, witnessing the elegant dance of air whirling, spinning, and gyrating in stunning delicateness. An important thing the psilocybin has revealed for me is this simple perfection and beauty of all things. All existence is unique in and of itself, from the smallest speck of oil sprawling out in a rain puddle to the delicate pressures of muscles as we walk or jump or stretch, from the nourishing tastes and textures of healthy foods on our tongues to the soft streaks of afternoon sunlight illuminating raindrops dripping from saturated leaves. In a culture of overstimulation and excessiveness, I was so overcome with astonishment when I first began to focus my awareness on the simplicities of existence. So many of us keep seeking for something outside of ourselves, and outside of nature, as if both entities (really the same entity) are meant to be conquered and replaced with some kind of sterilized, disinfected final product. It seems implicit in this culture that whatever exists incipiently, whether ecosystems/animals in “nature” or emotions that comprise “human nature”, should be revised and transmuted into something less ‘primitive’, undeveloped, brutish, naïve, or ‘uncivilized’. This is a large, complex concept that is discussed further in The Ascent of Humanity by Charles Eisenstein.

My body (which isn’t really mine, it is me) was beginning to feel empty and without energy, so I decided to return to the vehicle where I could find the nourishing snacks I (so assiduously!) packed: raw carrots and celery, hummus, and apples. I climbed up the steep incline that led down to the riverbank, feeling my muscles flexing with every movement, and crawled swiftly on the ground under trees, shrubs, and branches. It is really liberating to do spontaneous things like this- usually we are all so trapped by our own self-imposed identities and egos that we feel embarrassed or immature to do things outside of our conventional “reality tunnels” (term coined by Robert Anton Wilson). Of course I arrived at the vehicle about 30 minutes (I’d guess) after I left, frequently stopping in my tracks to observe the clouds, movements of trees, or just to feel the silence of the forest. Eating these nourishing foods was so joyful, especially as I ate mindfully and felt my body accepting the nutrients. I am very keenly aware of my body in this state, and that is one reason why I can’t understand smoking cigarettes, eating greasy potato chips (what the others were munching on), or consuming any other harmful substances that enter the body system (which is really a body/mind/soul system). This awareness is something that has carried over to my daily behavior, through which I now closely examine the items/brands I’m putting into this 50 trillion-celled organism (ME!).

I began to write a few things down in a small notebook… there are so many thoughts, perceptions, and levels of awareness during the ‘shroom state’ that it’s nearly impossible to record all of it. But the profundity of everything (for me) renders me incapable of ignoring all of it, so I like to jot down a few salient ideas/concepts to re-examine later. It’s also worth noting that, during each experience I participate in with psilocybin, several prominent themes emerge that come to characterize the session.

This is what I wrote down:

LISTENING TO THE BODY

à returning to Holism, doing what FEELS right

FOOD

Knowing what nourishes v. what doesn’t

LIVING IN THE GIFT

‘going with the flow’ is listening to your heart; there’s a place for the mind (but it can only take you so far)

RETURNING TO SOMETHING INHERENT

Love for everything

The prominent concept during this session was listening to my heart and body, instead of relying solely on my mind to analyze, rationalize, and dictate decision-making. I think it’s a really important thing to focus us, especially in what I consider to be an overly intellectual, left-brained, and cognitive culture. Doing what feels right, contrary to conventional thought about ‘human nature’, does not necessarily entail perpetuating the social Darwinist, competitive, dog-eat-dog, “more for me is less for you”, self-absorbed, survival of the fittest, mentality. Despite the interminable examples in modern Western society, I believe the fundamental tendency of human beings is not towards greed, selfishness, self-isolating security, control, and fear. I think these are illusions are ubiquitous in our society because of false belief structures, fictitious perceptions of the nature of reality, and spurious assumptions about the self/world relationship. A common error we make in mainstream thought is to mistake what happens in this culture, which is an insanely destructive machine that is rendering this planet uninhabitable, or what behavior is exhibited in it, to be indicative of human nature or reality in a general sense. My belief is that depression, crime, poverty, addiction, and environmental degradation are phenomena exclusive to this way of modern living- a system based upon exploitation, consumption, and other complex relationships that have emerged to the forefront of human civilization. In fact, in most indigenous groups (at least those have managed to preserve their cultures apart from civilizational contact) most of the aforementioned issues are virtually non-existent. Why is that? It’s a complex issue that is discussed in many beautiful pieces of literature.

I returned to find the entire group in the same spot by the riverbank in high spirits. I slid down headfirst and jumped out to a frozen section of the river, which was padded was thick snow. The sun was slowly being smothered by a heavy pocket of clouds and it was ostensibly certain that the weather was changing and snow was arriving. I lied down on the thick snow ‘island’ and let my muscles and my entire body relax, focusing my awareness on any existing tension and ‘watching’ it dissolve like a sugar cube on a hot stove. The group was silent for about one hour, just being. I stood up intermittently to stretch and get some blood flowing, looking at my pals and just smiling, sensing the inadequacy of words to describe whatever it was I could have desired to share at that moment.